Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
