I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
