So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
