I haven't been this sober since birth.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
