omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
