does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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