He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
