Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
