My liver just broke up with me...
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
