Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
