i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
we're so committed to being not committed
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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