She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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