i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
