maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
