If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I need to stop coming to work sober
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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