there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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