Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
we should paint friendship bongs
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
