He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
