Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
