I wish I only lived at night.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
