I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
