3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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