Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
