I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
