Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
