How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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