She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
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