i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
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