I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
