I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
