My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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