i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
