Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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