I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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