he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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