Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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