I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
