I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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