You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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