I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
