I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
