He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
