A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
