I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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