every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
