I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
