I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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