i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
