This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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