I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
